Preamble: Before you actually read this, I'd like to inform you all that these rants are my way of voicing my opinion about things I don't like. Whether or not you like my opinion is up to you, however I will hold no responsibility for your responses. If you have the right to read my rants and enjoy them or agree with me, you also have the right to dislike it or disagree with me.

Simply put, love it or loathe it, or just plain *bleep* off. Now, here's the rant:

Ok, there's been a nice pile of talk about Smash. Bros since its release and I've been itching to get something off my neck about it...Well, several things, actually, people have been bugging about a number of things, like say--

Lemme start with my biggest peeve about the subject: Clones. Yeah, I know the stories, I know the--'No more clones! Yay, no Pichu! Oh no, Young Link's back!'--Yeah, well you all should just SHOVE IT, alright? You all should shut up and drop the truckin' subject because I'm sick to death of it! I've seen a number of people complain about these 'clones' and--Get this, there are people who believe Luigi is a clone of Mario! In MELEE even! Yeah, right, that's really f***in' logical. Just because he was designed as a clone in the first game automatically makes him one in the next game, huh? Yeah, right, wonderful. At this rate, you may as well complain that Mario even has a friggin' BROTHER!!!

SHOW THE MAN IN GREEN A LITTLE RESHPECKT, ALRIGHT?? Luigi's clonehood in the world of Smash. Bros was eliminated in Melee, and you shouldn't even be surprised that the Mario Bros. have a number of similar moves, because--Look, I already said it! They're BROS, dammit! They're the Super Mario Bros! And Look at the full roster again, alright? Look at--Dr. Mario! THERE'S TRUE CLONEHOOD RIGHT THERE. All of Dr. Mario's moves are technically identical to that of the regular Mario! Luigi was actually given a number of moves to distinguish himself from both Marios! Henceforth, Luigi is no longer a clone of his own brother as of Melee! And--speaking of clone logic, if Luigi was a clone of Mario, wouldn't Mario be the daddy and Luigi the son? Never looked at it that way, did ya?

AND still on the subject of Melee on the same inane question I asked earlier, YES, I feel for you about Link and Young Link. Young Link is legally the son of Link in Melee! Just call him Link Jr. while you're at it! But, in all honesty though, I'm better with Young Link than regular Link. In fact, I'm better with most of those clones than the originals. I never bothered against the clone things because of that. I can understand that the clones thing can be annoying, but really, I actually get a laugh of having Mario beat himself up. (Mario vs. Dr. Mario).

Speaking of character bouts, there were a lot of complaints about Sonic being in Brawl and--F***! Why bother?!? It's all moot! Sonic's in Brawl, so you get to beat the sh** outta him now! A lot of people complained that Sonic would stink up Brawl because he likely stank in many of Sonic's later games, but then Brawl comes loose and we discover that he's in there doing a serious fight! I guess that's Sonic's way of saying, "F&!? YOU!! I STILL KICK ASS!!!" And that alone makes my trucking LIFE complete! So, love 'im or hate 'im, you still get to fight 'im, so TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.

Ok, going back on the subject of automatic assumptions, HAL Laboratory did NOT make Super Smash Bros. Brawl! The guy who spearheaded the project, Masahiro Sakurai, was a former HAL Lab employee--FORMER!!! He's not with them anymore! He started Sora Ltd. after leaving HAL, and THEY MADE BRAWL!!! HAL still owns copyrights to the franchise since they made the first 2 games, yes, but that does not change the fact they didn't make Brawl firsthand! Get your facts straight, jackass! HAL didn't do everything this time!

Also, Brawl's the first Smash Bros. game to officially go online, but some people have been bugging about not being able to communicate with other players or no ranking and statistics, and--For the record, I think Brawl has enough ladders without turning into a Halo 3 knockoff, alright? I actually DO NOT WANT to fudge with global rankings and/or see/hear players cuss at each other through a f&!?ing SMASH BROS. game!

Ok, lemme set it straight. First off, the rankings thing would be intimidating and likely scare players away from the game. We can't have that. Smash Bros. is meant for having fun, not mounting your rival's controller on a trophy on your bookshelf. If we started counting wins and losses on a global scale, we would be choking the Smash Bros. franchise. WE WOULD RUIN IT. Save your bloody f&!?in' elitism for those tournaments that the major gaming groups are pulling and--Speaking of those tournaments, what the f*** is so special about Final Destination? Half the matches I see in Spectator mode are played on the f***in' Final Destination! And--sometimes with no items! What the f--Are you trying to turn Smash Bros. into Street Fighter Omega? Mein gott, you pinheads are playing the wrong game then.

DO NOT DEDICATE YOURSELF TO A SINGLE STAGE AND RULESET. IT WILL JUSTIFY THAT YOU ARE INVERSATILE AND LAME. If all you're doing is playing No Items on the Final Destination stage then I believe you are suffocating yourself of the mad fun that the world of Smash Bros. is supposed to bring. In my opinion, a TRUE smash maniac will take on any rule settings in any stage! Even the Tournament mode in the Smash Bros. games allows for all kinds of options, so why don't you fiddle around with those and varietize every once in a while, alright? Don't make a truckin' drone out of yourself! MIX IT UP!! They put all kinds of sh** in Smash Bros. so make the best of it all! Be a damn adventurer!

Ok, back on the so-called 'Choked Online Modes', I'm NOT for chatting through the game. Not in the menus, not during a round, and ESPECIALLY not with a microphone! Those are asking for hazards that would tarnish the good clean name of Smash Bros.! I mean, do you REALLY wanna get banned from playing online in an opportunity like this? Where the hell is the fun in getting your arse booted off the network for cursin' someone out or trying to have cyber-sex with someone through the WFC? I believe Brawl's developers were bluntly aware of these possibilities and they wanted to protect their dedicated players from such farces so they can keep playing and keep having fun, and that's pretty much what Smash. Bros is about: FUN.

You all should be f***in' ashamed. You all--such a marvelous game here and yet there are still those among you who are TRYING TO CRAP ON IT. Smash Bros. is home to a freaking PILE of Nintendo nostalgia and you STILL can't help but mope about the notion that there's something missing from it. Well, truck that! I think Smash Bros. owns up 'n' down! 'Nuff said! If you don't like it, tough nuts, buddy! That's the only way you'll be able to eat it!

This is Wesley Sahonic, the Smashing Blue +Fav Bomber, and I am NOT signing off just yet because I wanna share something with you for enduring my rant!

Brawl Friend Code: 1246-8404-5467
Brawl Nickname: Wes
Nintendo Wii Number: 0681 2490 6977 2636

And one more thing: If you complain about the way I play, you're complaining in vain. The game was meant to allow players their own style of play, so I'm NOT gonna tolerate being b**ched at by an elitist olympic nitwit just because I try to freaking employ a particular STRATEGY! If you can't handle a certain stage or don't like to use Nasty CPU opponents, TOUGH. All of your complaints will be entirely moot, so just shut the truck up and play or get the shell off the dang network, alright? Eat it or Beat it!

Having gotten that out of the way, I'm now off to kick some @$$!! Wish me luck, Uncle F**ka!

"If we were any less accepting, we'd have to invade Poland!" ~2 the Ranting Gryphon